To Those Who've Gone Before...

Over the course of my recent 2 week visit to TX I had the opportunity to go and visit the grave of my best friend Paul. I should have been visiting him, but he decided to take his own life 3 years ago. While sitting there talking to him...and I'm sure looking like a crazy person to everyone that drove by...I feel like I can bare it all. Lay it all out on the table. And not only because he's not there to argue or judge but because it's Paul. He would always be the one I could and did tell everything to. And when he was gone it was hard. I felt like I didn't have anyone who knew all my secrets and that I'd have to find that all over again. His death was one of the worst times in my life. I've been sick and begging the nurses to kill me and put me out of my misery, but never before had I felt such heartache and pain. Over the years it's gotten easier, and part of that has been realizing that he is still with me. People say that all the time "I know he's here with me" and we all just look at them and roll our eyes and think they're wackos. But I know what I have felt and I know it's real. And the fact that I have felt him there next to me in the temple solidifies that I'm not just imagining it, or wishing he were. Paul will always be my best guy friend. No man can ever replace him or live up to him. And now that I've gotten over the hurt...for the most part...I can look back at the pictures we've taken or the many memories I have with him and smile and laugh because I know that's what he would want. He never wanted anyone to be sad around him. It made him mad if someone made a girl cry. And so as I sit here and write this I smile through the tears, though they're not tears of sadness. They're tears for the times we laughed so hard we cried. Times we went to wal-mart at 3 am to get ice cream. Times when he forcibly made me sit and watch a scary movie "cuz it'll make you tough". Tears for the times that are yet to come, and for the time when I will see him again. There's one more cheerleader in heaven rootin for me.



Shortly after writing this blog I learned that one of my very good friend's older brothers had passed away early saturday morning. He was 33, died in his sleep and they don't know what from. In my last blog about lessons learned, one of them was to cherish the people you love, because they can be taken from you in an instant. While I watch my friend go through torment and grief I can't help but think "I'm glad it's not my brother". I feel completely horrible even thinking that let alone putting it in here for all to see. Sara's brother had been on a mission, and he had been through the temple. He had a place to go home to. As much as we will all miss him, he will be in a better place where he will be happy and his mind will be perfect. I worry so much for my brothers. Both have rejected the church, and no matter how hard I try I cannot get them to come back. Their lifestyles aren't exactly in line with the church and they've taken their familes down that path too. I can't imagine spending eternity without them but brothers are not sealed to their spouses so my nephews and niece are not sealed to them. I pray for the day when I see that happen and I can know that my family will all be safe and all be together.